


Elijah Kamski Comes to Dinner

by beeayy



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game), Jeeves - P. G. Wodehouse
Genre: April Fools' Day, Cats, Crack, Domestic Fluff, Elijah Kamski & Gavin Reed are Cousins, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Jeeves AU, M/M, Post-Pacifist Best Ending (Detroit: Become Human), Pranks and Practical Jokes, Problematic Carl Manfred, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 21:40:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29339196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beeayy/pseuds/beeayy
Summary: Carl wants Leo to get a job. Thankfully Markus will save him from this fate...right?
Relationships: Leo Manfred & Markus, Leo Manfred/Gavin Reed, Markus/North (Detroit: Become Human)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 11





	Elijah Kamski Comes to Dinner

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fiveofswords](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveofswords/gifts).
  * Inspired by [sincerity is scary](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17194418) by [fiveofswords](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveofswords/pseuds/fiveofswords). 



> Based heavily on "Sir Roderick Comes to Lunch" by PG Wodehouse and Jeeves and Wooster 1x01 "Jeeves Takes Charge," with some details changed.
> 
> Canon-adjacent to "sincerity is scary" with other details changed. Felt compelled to write this in a whirlwind haha Jeeves stories have the best plots...

“Good morning, Leo. It’s Tuesday, April First, eight o’clock exactly. It’s currently sixty-five degrees, and weather is partly cloudy with a high of eighty degrees expected this afternoon.”

Leo groaned into his pillow. He wondered, dreamily, what Markus felt about this, doing the same thing he did for Carl for years. Opening the curtains by hand, reading out the time and temperature with the sacred hush of an art gallery curator. For a recovering red ice addict it was the kind of routine that Leo needed. A sense of normalcy. It was calming.

It was not calming today. Leo rolled over as the light shining through the windows was not actually a dream. “Eight?” He squinted at the ceiling. “In the _morning?_ ”

“Yes, in the morning.”

“Is there a national emergency? Did the androids rise up against the humans? Oh, wait, they already did that!”

“No national emergency. Yet.” Leo could hear Markus smiling, which should be considered a crime before noon. He buried his head under pillows. “Carl’s here. He wants to have breakfast with you.”

“Tell him I’m at Gavin’s,” came Leo’s muffled reply.

“I tried that already. He insisted.”

Of course. Only Carl was cruel enough to inflict himself on unsuspecting biological children before they were awake enough to use the fire escape. He humphed anyway.

“This is not an April Fool’s joke.” A hand lifted the blankets, grabbed his ankle, and tickled the bottom of his foot, saying, “This is, though.”

Leo shrieked and kicked, which Markus easily dodged.

“I hate you,” Leo snarled.

“Well, since you’re awake now you might as well hate me downstairs.”

Leo scrambled out of bed and lunged at Markus with the intention to do that front flip thing that would end up with Markus eating carpet, but Markus just turned it into a light sparring match.

“If you like this better than morning calisthenics we can change up your routine,” Markus said brightly.

“Leave it to you to turn everything into something fucking edifying,” Leo growled back. He swung at Markus, who pushed the blow away and got ready to catch another. “Ever heard of a lazy morning in bed?”

“I haven’t woken you up earlier than eleven-thirty all week,” Markus replied. “I made you breakfast and put out some clothes for you.”

Leo gave up and groaned. “He wants me to get _dressed?_ He needs to give me like, two weeks notice before he pulls this shit.”

“I put out your favorite blazer,” Markus said. The traitor. Leo glared at him but yeah, Markus knew those magic words. He bounded over to the clothes Markus had laid out on the other side of the bed while he was dead to the world, like some kind of very creepy memorial to him. Leo put them on while Markus cleaned up.

“We could get another blazer made for you,” Markus offered as Leo hugged himself in the threadbare teal corduroy.

“No way man! It wouldn’t be the same.” Leo dug around in the blankets. “Hey, Markus, where’s my hat?”

Markus’s expression flickered. “Which hat?”

“ _My hat._ I only have one.”

“Oh. I saw it lying on the floor—”

“Yeah, so? It’s not a slice of pizza—”

“And I thought maybe you didn’t want it—”

“ _Markus_ —”

“I got you a new hat,” Markus offered. He went to the table and fetched it. “I got it from a shop in Greektown.”

Leo recoiled immediately from the offending article. “That’s a fedora.”

“It’s nice, right?”

“Only old hipsters wear fedoras! I literally saw _Hank_ wear one once. With a floral shirt! I went blind!”

Markus made that face he made when he was secretly judging Connor super hard, but the shadow passed quickly. “Hank’s questionable fashion choices aside, a fedora is a classic style.” Markus put on a look of beatific regret. “And I’m sorry, Leo, I put your beanie in the donation pile. It probably belonged in recycling, to be honest but…why are you smiling?”

“Ha! I knew it!” Leo grinned, then dove under his bed and held his beloved beanie aloft, now covered in dust bunnies as well as holes and stains. “I was wondering who put it in with the donations. Lucky I thought to look through the bag before you took it!”

Markus blinked at the thing as Leo jammed it on his head and echoed, “Lucky. Right.” He gulped. “At least let me wash it?”

Leo jammed the hat on his head. It smelled like Gavin sat on it for a while. “Probably wouldn’t help.”

Sufficiently-armed, Leo skipped out of his bedroom feeling at least a little more capable of facing Carl. Having the right threads completely changed your whole outlook on life. Even the whale skeleton, hanging from the ceiling like a pirates warning (‘Dead Men Tell No Whales’), looked less freaky. He galloped down the stairs two at a time.

“Leo, stop barging around like a disarticulated ragdoll!”

Leo skidded down two steps as he tried to stop. Carl looked up at him from the floor level, glaring. Which had to be a new record for how quickly Carl could disapprove of him. Whatever. He wouldn’t be intimidated. He straightened.

“These are my stairs now.”

“Technically I gave them to Markus.”

“And Markus and I are roommates, so I can barge how I fuckin’ want.”

“Leo,” Carl said, and Leo slunk down the stairs the rest of the way.

“What’s up?” He glanced back to see Markus following him and added, “uh, dad?” Markus didn’t smile. Probably still all torn up about the hat. That android could really hold a grudge.

“I thought we could have breakfast together,” Carl said, smiling.

“Uh huh….”

He followed Carl to the dining room where Markus had already set the table for two with covered dishes and everything. Leo peeked under his and found, thankfully, the furthest thing from bacon and eggs. He shot Markus a grin and dug into his Fruit Loops, all sins forgiven.

“I see Markus still makes your meals for you.”

“He made your breakfast too, dad.”

“I’m a guest. Did you at least help?”

Leo, who was probably drooling another gallon into his pillow while Markus prepared this particular little feast, said, “He has the kitchen set up how he wants it. I’d just get in his way. I tried to make tea one time and almost turned the microwave into a pipe bomb!”

If Gavin were around, this story would have gotten a laugh. At least a snort. Carl looked horrified.

“Don’t you help with any chores? You’re still unemployed, right?”

“…Right,” Leo glanced at Markus for moral support but he was tuning the piano or something—far enough away to not be any help but close enough to catch him if he tried to make a break for it. “I mean—it’s a big place, dad—do you know how many more hours Markus has in his day than me? He doesn’t have to sleep! Taking care of me takes less time out of his day than it takes Gavin to feed his cats.” Sure Gavin had a lot of cats, probably too many cats (how many cats could you have before they called the cops on you?) “Oh!” He brightened. “I’m building a treehouse on the roof!”

“A _treehouse?_ ”

“On the _roof_?” Markus lifted his head from the piano. Leo winced.

“Oh yeah, uh, forgot to tell you—it’s a surprise!” He fumbled for his phone. “It’s actually this huge cat tree, and Ralph has been helping me plant stuff and put up fences. It’s gonna be a kind of cat day care where people can like, drop off their cat for the day instead of leaving it at home.” Okay, it was mostly for Gavin; no denying the man took better care of his cats than most people cared for their grandmothers but his crazy hours had put a little bit of a strain on some of them recently, as evidenced by Gavin arriving for dates smelling like an overturned litterbox. He held out the phone to show the pictures.

Carl barely looked at them. He just sighed. “When I moved away to pursue my work,” read, fifth retirement, Carl produced an average of one piece of art every century, “I was hoping Markus would make this place his home. With his _own_ family…?”

“If you’re talking about North,” Leo said, “She hates this place. I mean that’s reason number one why she’s cool…”

Markus cleared his throat, the tips of his ears going pink. “And if you’re talking about kids, dad—"

“I’d like to be a grandfather someday,” Carl said, illustrating a fundamental misunderstanding of where grandchildren came from. “And I’m sure Leo doesn’t have to live here if it’s so uncool.”

“What, you want me to move out so Markus lives in this big creepy mansion by himself? Talk about a waste!”

“I do get to claim him as a dependent on my taxes,” Markus added, the first useful thing he said all day. “And if we did—I mean, if you got a grandchild, there is plenty of room.”

It turned out Carl was just as good at ignoring the golden child as he was the black sheep. “Leo, I want you to start taking care of yourself,” he said. “You’ve been recovering and that’s good, but you’re turning into the idle one percent. Wasting your life, contributing nothing. It isn’t good for you.”

Leo shrugged. “Feels pretty good to me. And I’m staying clean! Markus helps a lot. I don’t even wreck the place.” Though he often thought about tearing down the creepy whale skeleton, living in a museum was a small price to pay for room and board and an android to take care of all that fiddly ‘routine’ stuff.

“I know.” Carl pressed his lips together for a moment. “Which is why I thought I’d recommend you for a job.”

“What?” Leo sat up. “A job? Why would you—”

“Don’t act like that,” Carl said. “I shouldn’t even say job, it’s a _career_!”

That was definitely worse.

“You were good with chemistry in high school, right?”

Leo spun around to glare at Markus, but he’d gone back to piano-tuning duty, probably so he could fester in his guilt with impunity. “That’s a gross exaggeration.”

“Well, Elijah Kamski has an opening for a liason…”

Leo blinked, then laughed low and slow in his chest as he pushed back from the table. “Whoa, no way, nope, no—”

“I thought you’d jump at the chance. He’s Gavin’s cousin, isn’t he?”

“Who cares? He’s creepy!”

“He’s brilliant. And always been perfectly polite to you. This is a great opportunity for you. With your own job and income, you can find your own place to live. Have some independence.”

“Dad, I tried out independence and look how well it worked for me.” Never mind that Leo never actually, uh, had a job before. Or paid his own rent? That was clearly beside the point.

“Well, here’s a second chance. A job at CyberLife will mold you into an upstanding member of society!”

“I don’t want to be molded—I’m not some weird jello salad from your childhood!”

“Humans share about fifty to seventy percent of their genes with the ingredients in jello salad,” Markus said, oh-so-helpfully. 

“It’s settled,” Carl said, as if Leo had not just said no in several different ways, “I’ll tell Elijah the good news.”

Leo wanted to protest. He really did. Markus, the traitor, just kept hitting ‘D’ on the piano, which more accurately reflected his grades in chemistry than whatever Markus told Carl, so. No help at all. And once he got past the huge chip on his shoulder he had regarding his dad, Carl Manfred was technically scarier than that stupid whale skeleton and Elijah Kamski combined. Leo didn’t stand a chance.

*

Leo should have guessed that if even his favorite jacket and hat could not improve his mood, neither would taking a walk. But going on court-mandated—sorry, Markus-mandated—walks once a day was a small price to pay for aforementioned room and board. Plus it was nice out, and sometimes Markus’s company wasn’t completely detestable. Anyway, he needed time to get his head around the idea of a job.

“There’s too much logistical shit to having a job.” Leo squeezed his head. “Do you realize I’d have to get up at like, eight, every day?”

“Probably earlier,” Markus said. “Most jobs are eight-to-five, with an hour for lunch.”

“That’s inhuman! No one can work for _forty_ hours a week!”

“You’ll get two weeks off for vacation. Paid sick leave, too.” Markus bit his lip. “Might as well come with North and I to New York while you still can.”

Leo hunched up again. “No offense but I’m not really interested in being the third wheel on your date.”

“It’s not a date. It’s a trip to see the Met.”

“Lame.”

“They have a Costume Institute.” This was (minorly) interesting until Markus added, “You’d fit right in.”

“Oh, har har.” But okay that did sound fun.

“You could bring Gavin along.”

“Gavin hates museums, and traveling.” Did this new job include a lot of travel? He tugged on his beanie. “Can’t you tell Carl I’m no good for this ‘job’ thing?” Read: too good for this.

Markus just shrugged. Jerk.

His phone rang as they reached the park. Leo glanced at the number and immediately wished he’d left his phone at home, or, better, dropped it down a sewer grate. But Markus was giving him hurt looks so he answered.

“What, dad? I’m working out.” Technically he was only sweating because of his commitment to alternative fashion but Carl didn’t have to know that.

“I just talked to Elijah. Something came up about the job.”

“Really?” Leo blinked. “Did they already get someone? Man, I was looking forward to it, too! Oh well, guess it wasn’t meant to be—”

“It’s not that, don’t worry. Just that there’s a hoop to jump through.”

Leo’s stomach bobbed. “Hey, I’m not a trained dog.”

“You were just comparing yourself to a cat earlier. Anyway, Elijah just wants to make sure you’re a good fit for CyberLife. Working with androids can be a little disorienting for some people—obviously that doesn’t really apply to you, so it’s just a formality, just to confirm your, uh…”

“What? My what?”

“Your…mental stability.”

Leo blinked at Markus for a second. Markus kept looking where they were walking but his expression clouded a bit.

“You’re telling me,” Leo said slowly into the phone, “That the guy I’ve had conversations like a hundred times at your parties and Markus’s parties and everyone’s stupid parties wants to know if I’m nuts???”

“That’s very impolite,” Carl said, “Apparently some people do have adverse psychological reactions to prolonged exposure to androids. Given your rocky history with Markus—”

“That was like, forever ago!”

“—And Amanda hasn’t met you, they thought it best to just put any suspicion to rest.”

“Who the hell’s Amanda?”

“Leo, please tell me you’ll watch your language around them…”

“Amanda is the android equivalent of Elijah,” Markus finally joined in the conversation, and Leo immediately handed the phone to him. “Now that androids are deviant, CyberLife is a joint-owned human-android company. She’s—” Leo could not remember the last time Markus searched for words, not a good sign, “—stern.”

Leo could hear Carl laugh through the phone, but Markus just said, “Of course, dad, we’ll be expecting Mr. Kamski and Amanda at five…. Yep, I’ll tell him. Thanks.” He hung up.

“What? You didn’t seriously agree to give dinner to these people?”

“Well, it’s technically my house,” Markus said. “I can have whoever I want.”

“You realize it’s gonna be the fucking Spanish Inquisition!”

“I’m sure you’re exaggerating. He said to tell you that if you didn’t agree he’d cut you out of the will.”

Leo made the most affronted noise he could manage. Markus, being an android, was unmoved. “This is because I wouldn’t let you give away my hat, isn’t it?”

“Of course not.”

“Ugh. You’re the worst. Well—fine. I might be a recovering junkie but I’m not a psycho. What should we do for food?” CEOs of giant companies probably didn’t eat Cheetos and Funyuns. Leo did a few mental calculations of a junk food reserves.

“I think Mr. Kamski is on a keto-paleo-vegan diet at the moment.”

“Fuckin’ hell! One avocado apiece oughtta do it, then. We can squat in a circle and pass around an arrowhead to break them open.”

“That…might give them the wrong idea about your mental stability.”

Leo stopped giggling. “Right. Ugh—okay. I can do this. I’ll just act like a soulless pencil-pushing bureaucrat for one evening. Easy.”

Markus grinned. “Just picture Gavin’s RK900.”

As if on cue a siren blared once behind them. Leo, who had been busted for drugs more than once, flinched. Markus, who had led an android revolution, also flinched.

“RK900?” a voice shouted. “Hey, think they’re talking about you, Nines?”

Leo turned and broke into a grin as Gavin and Nines stepped out of a squad car.

“Fuckin’ hell, you guys!” Leo immediately jumped over to Gavin, getting right up in his grill for a kiss. “What’re you doing here?”

“Looking for trouble,” Gavin said. “Looks like we found it.”

Markus rolled his eyes until Nines stepped forward.

“Markus Manfred, you’re under suspicion of a crime recently perpetrated in the area. I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”

“What, now?”

“We have an eyewitness.” Nines stepped back and gestured to the squad car. “Right this way.”

“Seriously?” The back of Markus’s neck turned red. Leo snorted. Markus shot him a full dose of the android evil eye before following Nines to the squad car and stepping into the back seat, leaving Gavin and Leo alone.

“Is that an April Fools prank?” Leo asked.

Gavin shrugged as he led Leo into the park. “Probably. Does that guy follow you around everywhere?” Once they were secluded behind a tree, Gavin stole a kiss. Leo waited until he was done to continue lodging his protest. 

“He’s not so bad, you know?” He tugged on Gavin’s jacket. “Hey, when are you gonna move in to the loony bin with me?”

“When pigs fly and Carl clears out his museum. I draw the line at the hoarde destroying nine hundred and ninety-nine priceless artifacts.”

“Oh, come on, how much can…twelve cats destroy?”

“Quite a bit,” Gavin said. “Let’s see, Leo is real fancy, he’d go straight for the chandeliers. Cricket, now she’s a classy dame, she’d go after the crystal chalices…Popcorn and Chicken would take out the Persian rugs…”

“How come they don’t trash your place? How many cats is too many?”

“Hank’s wanted to blow the whistle on me for years. But if he ever does I’ll just report Sumo for having an expired dog license. Do you know how expensive those things are for St. Bernards?”

“Well—listen, what if…I got Carl to get rid of all that expensive stuff? We can fill the place with IKEA knockoffs.”

“The museum includes the wax museum, too. I’m not livin’ with an android, Nines already shows up at my apartment too much…”

“Well—maybe I can convince North to convince Markus to move in with her! But it’s not a big deal having Markus around, you know? Okay yeah he’s kind of a killjoy but he’s helped me out of a lot of shit.” He glared at the ground. “Well, _usually_ he does…”

“Hey, yeah,” Gavin grinned and folded his arms. “I hear someone’s gonna be the next CyberLife stooge.”

Leo groaned. “It’s the worst. I have to give Elijah Kamski and his android partner dinner tonight. Some psych eval thing! My life is the worst.”

“Yep, no one would want to live in a mansion with a built-in J.A.R.V.I.S. and a shoe-in job with the world’s most lucrative company,” Gavin said gravely. “Your life does indeed suck.”

Leo shoved his arm, but Gavin just put an arm around his shoulders. “Hey, let’s sit on your roof and drink hot cocoa or somethin’ tonight. I got the evening off and the constellation Leo’s gonna be dope.” 

Leo giggled. “you’re such a closet sap! Uh.” Then he frowned, remembering how Carl snubbed his photos of the rooftop garden. He thought it was pretty great, but that was possibly his red ice raisin-brain talking. Maybe it needed more flowers? Of course cats would chew up the flowers… “Nah, I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I—I dunno. Uh, Markus is getting stuff done on the roof, or something.” Maybe he better show the cats his pictures first, see how they responded? “I’ll come over to your place, though!”

Gavin rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”

Leo pouted, but just then the door of the squad car opened. Leo came out from behind the tree to see Markus jogging toward them, breathless, his shirt half untucked and a suspicious mauve stain on his collar.

“Uh—yeah, sorry, Leo, gotta go to the station…just have to clear up…something…”

“Uh huh.” Leo reached over and popped Markus’s collar. “Looks like North’s still wearing her usual shade of lipstick.”

Markus glared at him as he smoothed it down, but apparently the allure of the ‘eyewitness’ hiding in the back seat of the squad car was too much to resist. “Can you get home from here?”

“I’ll make sure he does, J.A.R.V.I.S.,” Gavin said. “Now, get a move on before I arrest you for real.”

“You planned this,” Leo said, as Markus jogged back to the squad car and Nines drove the two lovers away like it was their honeymoon.

“Yeah, well, Hank invited me to lunch, couldn’t think of anything else better to get out of it.”

*

Markus was already there when he got back to the house, after spending Gavin’s lunch break watching cat videos, then wandering around Detroit, playing pool for a while at the bar before he finally dragged himself home. He reluctantly set aside his teal jacket and beanie put on the most boring, normal, conservative clothes he owned. He was pretty sure the tie was Markus’s. He felt like he was dressing for his own funeral, and he had some serious hat hair. He slicked it back with water and then scared himself silly because he looked just like Nines. Freaky.

To North’s credit, Markus was in a way better mood, and the android didn’t tease him about the clothes.

“Are you _whistling_?” Leo asked as he peeked inside the kitchen.

“Must have been the canaries,” Markus said.

“ _Sure_. It’s suspicious, Markus! Fucking suspicious…” He started poking around, peering in cupboards and ovens. “Is everything ready? They’re gonna be here soon, right?”

“Very soon. Tofu croquettes, wild bean salad, and for dessert…”

Markus held up a bowl of spheres wrapped in shiny cellophane like bonbons, which raised Leo’s hopes that the meal wouldn’t be a total loss for about a second and a half.

“What are they?”

“Fat balls.”

“ _What?_ ”

“They’re not bad, actually. Coconut oil, marine collagen—”

“Never mind, I don’t want to know.” Leo shook his head. “Whatever. They’ll eat it up. Just don’t go wild and think you can break out chips and queso.”

The doorbell rang.

“Fuuuuck. They’re here! Okay, okay, I’ll get the door. No, you get the door, I’ll get the food.”

Markus nodded and wiped his hands, and Leo looked over the spread. Markus did his best. Some of it even looked edible. Good thing Leo knew better. He divested a bag of Cheetos of its contents, then reached for the fat balls and…oh God, they were _gray_ under the cellophane. Gross.

There was a bowl of wooden fruit in the center of the kitchen island, though….

Moments later he burst out of the kitchen, arms full of covered plates. “Welcome to Manfred Mansion!” Thankfully, Markus had shown the guests in so he wasn’t announcing this to an empty room.

Leo met Elijah Kamski had met before: a pretty basic dudebro trying to make undercuts happen again. He looked and sounded just enough like Gavin to weird Leo out. Amanda wore this long white dress thing that made Leo think of a brain surgeon from the future. ‘Stern’ was right, she looked like she’d order his execution as soon as look at him. They were standing in the doorway to the study, looking about as creepy as the pair from _American Gothic_.

“This isn’t a mansion,” Amanda said, showing the expected amount of android tact. “It’s a hall.”

“Oh. Uh. Right. Sorry.” He gulped. “Anyway—yeah. Hi.” Leo wasn’t sure what to do next. It wasn’t like he ever received guests. When North came over she just jumped over the back of whatever couch he was lying in, sat on his stomach and joined him for some video games. A welcome for Gavin was exploring each other’s tongues in the open doorway until they set the alarm off. He sort of thought Kamski and Amanda would take the lead from here. Not that this was a job interview. Was it? Should he have prepared a five-year plan?

He filled the silence with a laugh. “Let’s dig in!”

They took their seats at the big dining table which Leo normally avoided like the plague, now painstakingly arranged by someone that could download the last fifty years of _Better Homes and Gardens_ directly into their brain. They lifted the silver domes from the plates to reveal—

“I thought we should go simple with the meal today,” Leo said, looking around at the individual piece of wooden fruit on each person’s tray with a somber expression. “Lots of fiber.”

Kamski and Amanda stared at their plates.

“…Is this a joke?” Kamski asked, eventually.

Leo burst out laughing. “April Fools!”

“What is April Fools?” Amanda asked.

…Leo stopped laughing. “You’ve—never heard of April Fools?”

“Amanda’s systems aren’t normally concerned with the intricacies of human culture,” Kamski explained. “She has other things to think about.”

“Oof. _Androids_ , right?”

“Are you implying something?”

“Uh. No. No.” Leo forced another laugh, and watched the conversation choke and die and lay there in the middle of Markus’s table decoration.

“Markus!” Leo jumped to his feet. “You wanna get the real food?”

“Sure, Leo,” Markus said, and headed for the kitchen as Leo sat down.

“I don’t make him do everything,” Leo added, just in case. “We’re like brothers. He likes doing the domestic stuff. I’m not a weirdo!”

“That would just make you criminal,” Kamski said, “Since androids are free now. And I believe you already have a criminal record.” Which was a really weird thing to say even if the guy was smiling, “Trust me, it wouldn’t make you weird.”

“I—guess you know all about people being android weirdos,” Leo said. “Just—being in charge of CyberLife, right?” Anything to get off the subject of Leo’s criminal record.

“We’ve seen our fair share,” Amanda said.

Leo bit his lip, the conversation taking another nosedive. “Like—what?” Oh thank God, Markus returned with the actual dinner and started passing out the plates. “Mmm, croquettes! My favorite…”

“People with technophobia have all kinds of adverse reactions to being in the presence of androids,” Amanda said. “Some people feel compelled to dress their androids up in their own clothes and put on the old android uniforms themselves.”

“Yeah, that’s—weird.” Leo resisted the urge to pick at his tie. But food was a good excuse to shut up, right? They ate quietly for about a minute.

“That’s not the weird one, though,” Kamski said, politely covering his tofu-filled mouth with a perfectly-toned forearm—seriously how did he get buff eating tofu?— “Some humans start to show almost proto-deviant tendencies—”

Amanda rolled her eyes. “Oh, here we go again…”

“It was predicted in _Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep,”_ Kamski continued. “When faced with artificial intelligence, many humans get the strange urge to prove their own humanity, most often by surrounding themselves with animals to make up for it. We saw some deviants exhibit the same behavior.”

“Sounds familiar,” Leo muttered. Gavin would build a cat fort to keep most androids out, if he could get all the cats to behave.

Amanda put down her fork, zeroing in on Leo with her gun barrel eyes. “Really? Animal hoarding is a serious offense.”

“Oh—not like hundreds. I just mean—he really likes cats. I mean, the normal amount.” Was it getting hot in here? “Uh—I don’t have any pets.”

“Frankly, any trace of technophobia in humanity is absurd,” Kamski continued, his posture leaning towards fire-and-brimstone puritan. “Humans have always created new technologies and a Luddites never stopped the march of progress. Anyone who reads a paper book these days is a backward caveman.”

Leo laughed and nodded, and they all sat there, at the dining table, surrounded by Carl’s floor-to-ceiling shelves full of paper books. Leo wondered if this was what hell was like.

“My apologies, Mr. Manfred,” Amanda said. “He’s just upset because his personal assistant android was stolen today.”

“More Luddites, no doubt,” Kamski muttered, angrily progressing through his wild legume salad (probably about as angry as Leo’s taste buds felt). “I was going for my morning swim in the river, and when I got out both Chloe and my clothes were gone.”

Leo snorted.

“They took my taxi too, I had to walk a mile to get to another—it’s not a laughing matter.”

“Yeah—no, sorry, I was, uh. Choking!” Leo patted his chest.

“Do you require medical assistance—”

“I’M FINE, MARKUS.” Leo fixed his face in a really sympathetic frown. “That’s—that’s really awful.”

“Of course that’s not what we’re here to discuss,” Amanda said. “Carl told us you would be an excellent candidate for our chemical lab.”

“You’ll love working at CyberLife,” Kamski assured him, like it was a sure thing. “We have on-site gyms, dining, nap pods, recreation, and unlimited vacation—though of course we have such high worker motivation that we actually have the lowest leave usage of any company in the world.”

Leo nodded slowly. “That’s…” _Don’t say creepy, don’t say creepy…_ “Nice.”

“It’s the best benefits package in the world,” Amanda said. “Surely that warrants something more than ‘nice.’”

“Uh.” But Leo’s brain had become a mess of calculations trying to reconcile ‘free vacation’ with ‘lowest leave usage in the world’. Markus was tapping his arm under the table, probably trying to give him a hint but Leo’s Morse Code was rusty. “Fat ball, anyone?”

Surprisingly, no one seemed to think this was a weird statement to make out of the blue. Praise the Lord. Eager for something to do with his hands, Leo handed one of the wrapped treats to Kamski. Amanda was too far for him to reach, so Leo lightly tossed it to her.

It went right through her head.

To Leo’s credit, he did not scream, which might have convinced his guests he was a freak of the first water. He did stand up so fast he knocked over his chair, which was really stoic given he just threw vegan-keto-paleo shit through someone’s head.

Amanda, Kamski, and Markus just stared at him.

Leo tried to catch his breath. “Did you—did you just see that?”

“Yes,” Kamski said slowly, as if speaking to a frightened child. “Amanda is a hologram.”

“A hologram,” Leo said hollowly. He caught his breath, turning pink like a rising thermometer. “Uh. Is that normal?”

“The technology was announced last year.”

“I-I guess I missed that. Uh. Wow.” He sat down again, and giggled nervously. “That’s freaky, you scared the hell out of me.”

“Holograms are perfectly commonplace. Have you been living under a—“ Kamski frowned over Leo’s shoulder. “I thought you said you didn’t have any pets.”

“I don’t. Uh—well, Markus has some android canaries…”

“I just saw a cat. It was black.”

The only black cat Leo knew was named Milk Dud and did not possess the robust neural pathways necessary to make it from Gavin’s apartment to here. “Huh.” He turned back around and shrugged. “Well, maybe you’re seeing things.”

“I’m not in the habit of seeing things, Mr. Manfred.”

“There’s nothing wrong with having pets, of course,” Amanda said. “Only in excessive numbers. We’ve had to let go several employees for these kinds of hoarding tendencies. I just recently had to report a man that bought a pet rabbit every time an android left the assembly line and—well, you know how many androids CyberLife used to produce…”

“Shit! I mean--wow,” Leo said. He tried to forget Kamski’s delusions. “Where did he put all of them?”

“You would be surprised.” Amanda cocked his head. “Or. Perhaps not? I just saw a cat as well. It ran through that door. But it wasn’t black. A Devon Rex, I believe.”

“ _What_?” Leo knew a couple of Devon Rexs with enough brain cells between them to get here from Gavin’s house, but… “Hey, Markus—” He gave Markus a look that very clearly said, ‘what the fresh fuck?’

“I’ll go take care of it,” Markus assured him, and disappeared into the foyer.

“Great.” Leo said. “Great. Must have left a window open or something—though if a cat can sneak in this house I’d—you know, eat my hat.”

At this moment, a fluffy gray cat dropped down from the chandelier, right into the tofu croquettes. Leo decided he was in an episode of the _Twilight Zone_ , which meant he had full license to scream at the top of his lungs.

Kamski jumped to his feet, too. The cat yowled, clearly the injured party, which confirmed that it was indeed Leo the cat, and Gavin was indeed right about his chandelier attraction. Leo gathered him up, cleaning wild bean salad off his toe beans.

“This is unacceptable,” Kamski said. “If you routinely try to hide basic information from prospective employers—”

“This isn’t my cat,” Leo said.

“You’re clearly very attached.”

“No, it’s—this is my boyfriend’s cat. His name is Leo—not my boyfriend, the cat—”

“ _Leo?”_

Leo opened his mouth, probably to give a really good explanation for why Leo the cat was even here, when eleven more cats fell from the sky. Well, leapt from the balcony anyway. They landed one after the other on the armchairs and sofas, bouncing once to the floor where they dashed through the room. Leo didn’t often see all twelve of Gavin’s cats at once, and it sort of made apparent the hoardery aspect of it, especially in a giant house already full of stuffed animals and antique books.

He watched as Fox (orange, a total fox), Box (also orange, a literal Box, probably from sleeping in too many boxes?), Croquette (Calico, slightly insane), Truffle (Maine Coon, more insane), Sam (gray and white, of vampire renown), Milk Dud (black, very dumb), Mug (white, rotund), Popcorn (Devon Rex, fur looks like popcorn), Chicken (Devon Rex, looks like a plucked chicken, they were also gotten at the same time and Gavin had popcorn chicken that night for dinner), Marzipan (brown ragdoll, extra squishy), and finally Cricket (a majestic piebald) dashed through the room. Then Cat Leo kicked off human Leo’s chest to escort her out, knocking the breath out of Leo’s red-ice weakened chest.

This meant he could not respond to Kamski when he said, “You seem to have a lot on your hands right now, Mr. Manfred. Perhaps we should visit another time.”

Amanda started edging toward the door, apparently realizing only now how much Carl’s house looked like the set of the next great horror movie (Leo could have told her that long ago). “Markus, could you show us out?”

“Right this way.”

Markus didn’t say this. It was a new voice. Leo squinted around, and jumped ten feet in the air when a stranger stepped out of the hallway. She was an android, actually, blonde and yeah, Leo had seen androids like her on TV with Kamski….

“Hey,” He pointed. “Why are you wearing my jacket?” he squinted. “And hey, that’s my hat!”

“I think we’ve seen enough.” Kamski’s expression had turned cold and Leo’s red ice brain put two and two together.

“Is she your missing android?" Leo laughed. “H-hey man, I’ve never seen her before. I was out on a walk all day and, uh—well, Markus can’t corroborate this, but I didn’t steal her and I definitely didn’t put her in my clothes! That would be crazy!"

“Hoarding animals,” Kamski muttered.

“Fear of technology,” Amanda added. “And did you see he’s wearing an android’s tie?”

“I think we’ve seen enough.”

The pair made good their escape, making a fine impression of kids storming out of a haunted house because they were too cool for it and definitely no other reason. Chloe smiled and then followed them out.

No, _this_ was what hell was like.

*

“ _MARKUS_!”

“Leo.” Markus was standing nearby, head cocked, completely chill. Leo did a lazy Susan spin toward him.

“Why were Gavin’s cats falling from the sky??”

“They were upstairs, but I think they heard your name and wanted to say hello.”

_“Why were they upstairs?”_

“Oh, Lieutenant Anderson and Officer Chen brought them over while you were out.”

“And you just came down here and made tofu?! They think I’m a freak! Carl’s gonna lose his shit!” He paused for breath. “Why the hell did they bring Gavin’s cats over? And _Chloe—_ ”

“She was in her swimsuit,” Markus replied. “I figured you would be generous enough to lend her something to wear.”

“But—yeah, I mean, that’s fine, no problem—but what was she even doing here??”

The doorbell rang.

Leo glared. “If that’s not Kamski I’m gonna disassemble you.”He stomped to the door and wrenched it open.

Nines was standing coolly outside, checking his shirt cuffs.

“Mr. Manfred, “ he said. “I’m here to pick up Chloe?”

Leo blinked. “Chloe!”

“Yes. Markus said it was alright if she stayed here for a little while, until I finished work.” Nines paused, probably seeing Leo’s face as blank as a shaken Etch-a-Sketch. “…Did Markus not tell you?”

Leo looked around but Markus had of course magically vanished. He made a mental note to hunt Markus down later and burn him at the stake.

“Of course it’s a human holiday,” Nines continued, as if this wasn’t a problem. “April Fools. Chloe asked me to assist her in playing a practical joke on Elijah Kamski. We were going to go out to a movie after.”

“Well, she’s not here,” Leo said, viciously. “I had Kamski over for dinner and he found out. She left with him I guess.”

“Oh.” Nines looked disappointed. “I see. Well. I suppose the cats fared better. I’ll let Officer Chen know I’m picking them up, since I’m already here with a taxi and my superior android reflexes will allow me to gather them more efficiently.”

“Don’t tell me they were a practical joke too?”

“Of course. Lieutenant Anderson and Officer Chen thought it would be very ‘amusing’ for Gavin to return home and find all his cats missing, and they assured me they would be perfectly safe here until the joke was over. I doubt Mr. Kamski would have any need to take Gavin’s cats. He has twenty-three cats already. He has all the proper licenses, of course, unlike Gavin. An affinity for felines clearly runs in the family. Where are they?”

“Well, they ran away, too.” Leo said, icily.

“Oh. I don’t suppose Detective Reed will be happy. I’ll start making lost pet signs.”

“Huh?”

“As you know, Gavin’s cats are strictly indoor animals,” Nines said. “Of course I advised the Lieutenant and Officer against this prank but they insisted that Markus affirmed they would be perfectly safe.” Nines glanced over his shoulder and Leo turned to see Markus descending the stairs toward them. “Perhaps you should have that android examined.”

“Oh shit,” Leo said. Leo postponed the execution to grab Markus by the shoulders. “They could be anywhere! All alone—Gavin’s cats are his children! I’m basically their stepfather! Anything could have happened to them! You gotta help me find ‘em! What the _fuck_ are you smiling about?”

“I cat-proofed all potential escape routes before I let them out of their carriers,” Markus said mildly. “In fact, I bet they’re all upstairs in the treehouse.”

“In the…” Leo trailed off, then galloped up the stairs two-at-a-time, and thank God for all those walks because he didn’t have a heart attack when he got to the top, and instead found all twelve cats lounging on the cat roof treehouse garden, perfectly posed in feline bliss like a Hallmark card. Cricket lay in the middle of it all, flicking her tail, falling asleep with her head still up.

“This changes nothing,” Leo watched them, happy and safe, for a few moments too long to make this effective. “Cats dropping from the sky—Kamski and Amanda think I’m certifiable! They’re never gonna hire me to their stupid company…” he frowned, “…now…” He scratched his head. “…Huh. I didn’t think about that.”

Markus just smiled.

“You didn’t—you didn’t plan this all along, did you?” Leo gasped. “Did you and Nines plan for Chloe to sneak away?—”

“Nines does occasionally talk to me,” Markus said, cleaning the last of wild bean salad off Leo’s shirt. “Sometimes even without it being required.”

Nines rolled his eyes. He might as well have burst into tears of android brotherhood.

Markus knelt and scratched Cricket behind the ear. “You weren’t really suited to that job.”

“You got that right,” Leo muttered.

“And there’s no reason for Carl to rush me into, what, _grandkids_?”

Nines frowned. “…Does he know where babies come from?”

“I kind of doubt it,” Leo said.

“I’ll get your blazer back from Chloe tomorrow.” Markus sighed. “And the hat.”

“That was a nice touch,” Leo admitted. “I mean, Kamski might have forgiven a bunch of cats, but—” Leo felt his heart doing pleasant somersaults of relief in his chest. “You know what?... She can keep the hat.”

Markus looked up. “Really?”

“Yeah, I mean—I kind of owe you.” Leo shrugged. “And I can always buy a new one!”

Markus’s hopeful smile froze. “…Right.”

“I believe Gavin will arrive soon,” Nines said. “His natural inclination is to gravitate toward you when threatened.”

“Oh, right! Yeah, I’ll keep it a secret.”

“No need. I’ll let Officer Chen and Lieutenant Anderson know they should—what is the term?—ah yes. ‘Say their prayers.’”

“Never come between a man and his cats,” Markus agreed.

“Precisely.” Nines nodded and left, and sure enough, minutes later Leo heard footsteps thundering up the stairs. Gavin burst onto the scene seconds later, drenched in sweat.

“You’re not gonna believe this,” he panted. “I…” he trailed off slowly as he looked around, taking in the cat tree, the plants, Box and Fox galloping toward him to welcome him by rubbing excess fur off on his pants.

Leo turned the same color as a sangria. “I thought it’d be nice to have a cat room in the museum, you know? In case you ever did want to…” He kicked at the ground. “…I mean, it’s not finished yet…”

“It’s amazing.” Gavin turned and ogled at Leo. “You did all this yourself?”

“Hey, come on! I’m not that useless.”

“I mean…”

Leo shoved him, and Gavin burst out in relieved laughter, then grabbed Leo and yanked him into a tight hug. Leo would have giggled with delight if he could, you know, breathe.

“If it wasn’t April Fools,” Gavin said softly, almost tenderly, “And if you weren’t my boyfriend. I’d freakin’ kill you for kidnapping my cats. I’d go full-on _Taken_ on your ass.”

“Well—” Leo managed, “I mean, it wasn’t me.” He looked over Gavin’s shoulder where Markus was carefully blending into the woodwork, pretending not to watch. “It was Markus.”

“What?” Gavin said.

“What?” Markus said.

“He planned the whole thing.” Leo didn’t exactly explain what he’d planned, but he really didn’t need to. Gavin slowly disentangled himself from Leo’s arms.

Markus scrambled to his feet. “Now, wait a minute—”

“I’m gonna wreck you, android!”

“ _Leo_ —!”

Gavin charged. Markus dodged with the skill of a matador, then sprinted for the door, Gavin hot on his heels.

“Happy April Fools!” Leo called after them, then jammed about 500 sit-ups worth into laughing himself sick. Of course, Markus was a highly-advanced prototype, and could probably lose Gavin somewhere in the mansion.

Probably.


End file.
